A Journal Of My Mother's Fight With Cancer
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Feeling a need to share my mother's fight will either make me stronger or break my heart. Whatever direction it may take, it will be away to aide me with healing and sharing what has been transpiring. I hope that when these hubs are complete, others who are going through the same situation can find hope, strength and the ability to go through through the journey when the person that you love is nearing the ending of their life. The tears that are shed are part of the mourning process before it actually begins. We feel isolated, exhausted and tend to focus around the person that we love so dearly , asking ourselves why? Why would God do such a thing? How come he will not give them more time? Each day that goes by is one more day that we are able to spend with our mother. We try to do normal things but sometimes watching her lay there wilting away is the hardest thing to do. You wish you could turn back time and embrace each moment in a positive way. But a person should not be filled with regrets, but thankful for the time that God still gives them.
Three Weeks Ago
Three weeks ago mom was still able to walk well, hold a conversation, smile and tell many stories. She would come downstairs and have coffee in the morning after she woke up and I would on occasion get upset because she dripped the coffee on the ground. She would look at me with her big blue eyes and I realized it was not her, but the disease that was causing her to shake in the morning. I could not accept that before my eyes, my mother was dying.
Our mother was a vibrant woman, always working and having time for her family. She loves her grand-kids tremendously and had never forgotten a single one at Christmas time. She was always laughing and was constantly on the go, which always appeared that she did not have anytime for herself. She would sleep for a few hours and when one of her girls would call, she would get up and do what had to be done. Mom never went to college but her 12Th grade education had gotten her a long way when it came to survival. She always kept us well dressed and very clean when we were little girls. We learned manners and God forbid if we talked back. She gave us our backbone to be independent and instilled sincerity, honest and trust in each one of us. Trust as we know can sometimes get us into trouble and being kind we can get stepped on, but these were values that were laid upon us when we were young. We cannot turn the clock back and we can only continue to pray on this journey of life not knowing where it is going to lead, but what we do know is that our mom when God calls her home will be greeted and welcomed through those Pearlie gates.
So let's go back to three weeks ago. Mom was able to shower herself, get up and get a drink of water, wash dishes, and sit up and watch a good movie on television. She would still yell at the dogs and chat on the phone to her sisters and brothers back in Iowa and Nebraska. As the weeks progressed it appeared that coming down the steps was becoming a little more complicated.
The cancer that she was diagnosed with in October 2009 was Lung, Colon, Breast and Brain. At first they could not figure out which cancer started the next one but they had finally determined that it had started with the breast and moved through the blood. From November 2009 thru February 2010 we traveled everyday from our home to St. Joseph'shospital for radiation. In March she began Chemotherapy. She had endured Gamma Knife and had the tumors removed from her brain. All was going well and in the same month they had diagnosed her with Colon. She remained positive and hopeful, her weight continued to hold at 119lbs. The colon had gone into remission, along with the breast and the tumor appeared to be shrinking in the lung. We would do things that daughters normally do and always remained happy. In May 2010 they had found several more lesions on her brain , 2 lesions on her liver and a lesion on the kidneys.June she decided to proceed with Gamma Knife and they removed those tumors and there were no signs of Cancer.
Noticing that she was beginning to lose weight and her appetite had been changing. Nothing tasted good but of course that happens when a person goes through chemo. No matter what she had eaten, she continued to lose weight , we however remained hopeful. July 2010 she had gone in for a Nuclear test because she kept complaining of lower back pain, we knew she had degenerative bone so they had taken tests to see what was happening. On July 22 it was determined that the cancer on the liver and the kidneys had additional lesions. That day in the doctor's office was like being in a large bubble. When they said she only had weeks the joy from my mother became depression and it appeared that her life was taken from her in an instant. Each day I would sit and cry and try to remain hopeful. By July 26th she was sent back to the hospital because she had complained of chest pains only to find that she had a small mass near her Esophagus and degenerative bone on her upper left shoulder. Stunned by the turn of events in a matter of days it hurt me that my mother did a complete 360. She was cranky, I would ask her to eat and she would tell me no. I asked myself, " was it my fault because she had seen my fear?" Trying to be strong I worked on keeping a level head. I kept telling her to not give up. Finding myself angry at the world I would not take calls, I could not sleep and placed a baby monitor in her room. July 30th she ended up back in the hospital and for some odd reason they did not read the notes and she de-fibbed on Morphine. Correcting there error and by then I was ready to explode three days later they moved her into a short-term Hospice unit to manage the pain. She was refusing to eat or drink and finally after 4 days we brought her back home. Continuing to try and save mom's life, I was constantly on-line looking for clinicals, hoping that we could find somewhere that would look at this again and try to save her from the mercy of Cancer. I had checked out www.issels.com but knew we could not afford to even take her there so why make the call? Cancer Centers of America in Arizona will not accept Medicare so we were at a loss for words. When I look at her eyes they are a little glossy and other days they are clear. With all of the medications she is on, there will be times where her appearance of her pupils change.
Today August 10,2010
Today was not a good day as she has not eaten and barely drank a thing. 5 of her pills remain on the table and the day is not over. I know I have to wake her and have her drink and at least have an Ensure, she will battle me bravely as I wash her and attend to her. Today she cussed me out when I told her she had to sit up for awhile but she managed. I held back the tears as I lovingly washed her face and changed her clothes. I rubbed her back because she has been in so much pain. I held her like a child because she is my mother and kissed her on her cheek. When she coughs, I am glad because she is still breathing. I listen intently for her and watch her continually to see if she has moved. I sit and cry and feel numb by the pain, but have to put on a Happy face when the family is home. Hospice comes early so that it does not interrupt the household and many called today just to see how she was doing. Sitting out on the porch and realizing it was one of her bad days, I frolicked with the dogs and chatted with a couple of friends. Thankful for another day that God has given mom.
Looking at her I see the pain from the Cancer, I see a mother who is wilting away right before my eyes and I don't have any control. I see a woman who three weeks ago was able to come up and down the stairs and held conversations. As each day passes I will share with all of you what is happening with my mother. It may become stagnant for some, but for me it is the only way to venture into the unknown sharing the joys and sorrows of tomorrow and trying to over come the grief and pain as each day passes. Many on Hub-Pages continue to pray for all of us and I thank you. Others told me to hang in there also adding comfort to what our everyday lives endure. I hope that you will join me on this journey as I write a journal of my mother's fight with cancer. Her thoughts, her day and what our feelings are as we walk down this long and winding road.
Writing this I find myself crying and trying to overcome but this will be a journal of my mother's fight with cancer. This is for her and for all of those who are going through the same thing. You will not ever know where life leads but embrace the time that you have with the ones that you love.
© August 2010
- A Journal Of My Mother's Fight With Cancer August 11,2010
1:00 AM July 11,2010 I heard a thud. My mother had slid to the floor and was laying on her side. I checked her for bumps, bruises, or to see if anything was fractured or broken. It took 20 minutes for me...
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vrbmft: Sharing your story of courage and your own experiences make me realize how important life is. I will let her share and would be happy to have a glimpse into heaven. Tonight after I posted this, I held her and I cried. She looked at me with such gentle eyes and when I asked if she was going to leave she said not yet Julianna. She is resting comfortably. I must read Feathers Brush my heart. My mother believes in Angels and sometimes she stares off into a distance, I will say mom are you there? It takes her a second and then she looks at me. As afraid as I am, I also know that mom and I have a very special bond that nobody else has. Everyone should be cared for like my mother and now I know she believes she has been loved all along.
AE cannot find enough words to say to you. I feel very very sad. Love you heaps and will always be here for you. I lost my step father to cancer watched him turn from a strongly built man to bones in 3 months.May God's angels surround you and your mum.
This reminds me so much of my brother's final days it is difficult to read, but I wanted to extend my prayers to you for your mother. It is so difficult to act normal when everything is changing on a daily basis (or sometimes even faster than that). You hold onto each good moment, each smile, each moment of clarity and hope for the next.
I read the comments above and echo their sentiments. The last time I visited my aunt before she died, she told my parents and me about all the visitors she had earlier in the day. I was fascinated to hear this because not a single person she mentioned was still alive. Would medication do that? It seemed more likely to me that these family and friends who passed away before her were simply welcoming her to join them. On the date of her deceased husband's birthday, she did just that.
You are very much in my thoughts and prayers. Your courage and strength is to be admired.
Mike
Dear AE, I don't know who has been more blest..you or your mother! I read the book 'Final Gifts' after my dad passed away and it has stayed with me in my heart. One of the things that I understand is that the' soul' never ages and right now as she is in the final stages of her earthy adventure she is more in tune with everything around her only in a different way. She is starting to transcend into totally spirit.I found that in the early stages of the coma that I was still able to communicate with my dad by asking him to move whatever he could ,and he could flutter his eyelids and that became our way for 'yes' and no movement for 'no'. I never gave a passing thought that he was not there or could not understand. I really believe the dialogue between them and God determines when and who will be present. The fact that you are writing all of her last part of this journey down will be a treasure and you will see the miracles down the line when you have had the time for healing. i know how hard it is.. i am sorry you must endure this kind of pain. When we are faced with our own lack of human understanding it is then that we must 'stand under'. My best to you. Terri
I have had some close relatives and friends succumb to cancer in various forms however apart from one close friend I have been lucky enough not to see them suffer so closely. Nancy was the mother of one of my closest friends and she whittled away from a strong, well built woman to the size of a child in 6 years.
Tears have flowed for each and every one of my family and friends as they did when I read this heart wrenching story of your Mum's struggle.
I continue to pray for you and your family. Thinking of you, Marie xx
you know you and your family are in our prayers. We will continue to lift you and your mother up...God Bless
You and Mom continue to be in my prayers. God Bless you!
Dear Audrey, this is very courageous of you, but in the long run I think it will help, at least you will not have shut yourself off and continued on in denial. I have gone through several journeys of loved ones with cancer and had it myself, so I have some small idea what this is all about. Of course; it affects each and every one of us differently.
I found your story heart wrenching and somewhat difficult to read, but commend you on your ability to get it down on paper and commit to the feelings. Sending all my love to you....Nancy
Thank you for sharing you journey with us. I hope it helps you heal. The pain we endure in life is much easier to bear when we can share the load.
I am embracing you and your family in my spirit, AEvans.
September 11 of this year will mark the 3 year anniversary of the day we lost my grandmother, and your story is so starkingly similar it is both comforting and heartbreaking. My grandmother had colon cancer that had once gone into remission, then came back with a vengeance and spread to the brain and bones. From the time she started deteriorating (able to talk still, etc) to the day she lost her battle was 14 days. It is unexplainable how that feels to watch someone go through that so quickly. I truly know what you are going through and admire you so much for sharing your pain. Being able to be with her during her final days is so painful, yet it will offer you peace and comfort later to know that you were there for her. I am praying for you, your mother and your family!
Dear AEvans - Thank you for sharing your story. I went through this with my son (41) and understand how very hard this is. I can only wish you great peace and some form of comfort as your beautiful mother crosses over. I want to share with you that one day as I was in deep despair, shortly after losing Todd, I begged him to let me know somehow, that he was ok and that he was happy. He appeared to me very briefly, dressed in white, with a huge smile and said , "Mom, this is awesome". Then he left. I have not shared this with anyone before. I wanted you to know that your mother will experience a supreme joy such as she has never known. I send my love to you, dear one, and ask the heavenly angels to hold you as you live out this transitional experience with your dear mother. Thank you for sharing this story.
I can only say I'm so very sorry for this, AEvans. Well, actually, I can say that I went through much the same scenario with my mother in 1988. It was heartbreaking.
Your hub is welcome, as are your words. Please keep us informed.
Oh, dear one, I AM so sorry!
Hi AEvans, I know how this goes as my father worked up until August of 1971, and was bedfast by October (our birthdays). It was the year I turned 10 and he turned 40. I helped mother and both grandmothers as they cared for him. I outweighed him by about 50 pounds. He'd been a big man, over 200 pounds, but now was down to 80.
I tell you this only because I understand, and will read every word you write. I can walk this path with you, I have been down this road many times with my family, and I know where it goes.
Try her favorite food, even if it's not good for her. Like my mother loved those cream filled oatmeal cookies from Little Debbie. My Grandma loved toast and cinnamon applesauce. My dad loved my mother's gravy. If it's hard for her to swallow, my dad drank from a turkey baster. It enabled him to just get drops at a time.
Now here we go. Make her laugh. Recall good times with her so that she smiles every day. It is her body that is rebelling against her mind and she has fought so hard! It's her right to choose whether she feels like fighting any more.
You know I adore you, as if you were my own sister. Let her know, in your way, that you would love nothing more than for her to stay, but that you understand, if she has gotten tired of fighting, and that if she says the word, you will let go. "Just tell me what you want to do, mom." might be enough.
I know money is tight. There are two books I want you to have, for yourself, and for her if they get there in time you can read excerpts to her.
One is called "Necessary Losses" and it's by Judith Viorst. It's for you and for her, it takes you through the process of letting go, and one chapter, called Loving, Leaving, Letting go, is for people dealing with what you are going through right now. If you don't have the money just e-mail me and I will order and send it to you. It's available on amazon. The other one, for her (and you) is Embraced by the Light. This is also available on Amazon, I want you to read bits to her. It is short and beautiful.
You know I want you to have these books, and so if it is a burden, write me, and I will see that you get them. It is important to me, for you, for her.
Love to you both and Big Hugs to you and your family. Keep in touch with me.
BP: I didn't know you lost someone too. It is so heartbreaking. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and for also sharing your story.
Mike Lickteig: You to have been through so much,I will pay attention to what she says, because it truly can be telling me something. Big Hugs to you too.
Terri: I will read the book final gifts from what you have said it is an uplifting and peaceful experience. I hope the answer is down the road and each one of these hubs will be a reflection of my experience. I still cannot believe I am sharing this, but due to everyone being so supportive I was compelled to share with everyone. I didn't realize she was so in tuned with the world unlike so many of us who cannot see what she is seeing.
MPG Narratives: Thank you for sharing your story it provides me with courage and thank you for the prayers.
must65gt: Thank you.
Elle's Touch: Thank you too for the prayers.
Nancy: Thank you and I am so happy that you are a survivor and you are right it does effect each one of us differently. It is a journey.
G L Strout: It provides me with hope and you are right it is much easier to share what is happening and that has taken courage to do.
Vladimir: Thank you and blessings.
sunflowerbucky: Thank you for also sharing your story about your family. It provides comfort that I am not walking alone and thank you for the prayers.
vocalcoach: Your words are so touching and thank you for sharing your story about your son and the peace that it gave you. I am honored for you to have shared it with me.
lorlie6: It is heartbreaking and painful. I am exhausted from what has been going on. I keep praying but sometimes I don't think he is listening but I do know that he has a plan and we have to go with whatever plan he gives us. Thank you for taking the time to read and share what has happened to you, all of you have been giving me the strength to endure each day.
Faybe Bay: You have made me cry and I will e-mail you. I have always wished for a big sister because I have had to be the brave one. Sometimes being the eldest is the most painful part everyone depends on you. I would love to read those. It is hard to say it is o.k. to let go, but I will definitely try.
Praying for you and your mother.
loriamoore: Thank you.
I am very sorry to hear about your sorrows, AEvans. I have never had to endure the kind of situation you are going through. I have known the pain of losing loved ones instantly, which has been hard enough.
I pray that God will give you and your mother strength to get through this difficult time.
I am so sorry. I am glad you found your way to write on hub to enable us to think of you and pray. It is very, very hard to see your mother suffering like this. I know, I had to go through this but clinging onto to your love for her will help and give you the strength.
AEvans: I am deeply sorry to hear about your Mom and her struggle, her battle against such an illness. Watching a loved one, be it a mother in your case, or a sister in mine, slowly go from being a strong vibrant person to having every organ every part of their body attacked by either pain or sickness, and not being able to do anything makes one feel so very helpless.
I pray that Our Father Almighty God, through His Will embraces both you and your Mom in His loving arms, that you both may find peace through Him and if it is His Will, your Mom become miraculously cured, and I pray this through the love of Jesus Christ. AMEN!
Brother Dave.
ama83: Even though yours was different the pain as you know runs so deep. Thank you so much for your thought and prayers.
Hello, hello: Thank you for the positive reassurance with mom. I am holding on with unshakeable faith.
Dave Matthews: You do feel helpless and beside yourself. I thank you for the beautiful prayer of recovery, I to pray it everyday.
AEvans, my heart goes out to you and your mother and the rest of your family. I’ve lost my father instantly and in spite of the shock and grief I was thankful because he did not suffer. My mother is still up and about, and when I read your words, my heart cringes, because cancer might be her lot as well, because both her parents died of cancer. I’m so grateful that you share your traumatic experience with us, because you are teaching us, who, perhaps, still have to go through this, what to expect and what to do. I thank you as well as all the hubbers who share their knowledge and wisdom with us. You are in my prayers.
MartieCoester: That is sad to lose a parent so unexpectedly. I also hope I am a blessing for those who may go through this in the future. Today my heartaches but I will get through it. Thank you for the prayers.
AEvans,
Through this medium, writing, you are actually given many blessings, one, of pouring out your hurts and pains, another, of being lovingly heard and prayed for, and another, your courage to endure all, and for the most important part, you are given quality time to show your great love and care to your dying mother.
I feel the same lumps in my throat when my loved ones were also dying and I couldn't do anything to ease their pain. But in the deep silence of my heart I prayed to the Almighty Father to take them in His arms so that they wouldn't suffer more.
My mother suffered the same cancer pains that your mother is suffering. The tumor in her stomach that caused her to refuse food or even liquids was removed, but after 2 years, remission took place. While the whole family was agonizing for her, my father had a heart attack. I saw his deathly countenance, pale face,shrunken black lips, and yellowish skin all over his body, toe nails and finger nails bluish. Death was looming in the face of my father when we looked at each other, no more words uttered, although he was responding slowly to my voice. It was his fatal attack. He was DOA at the hospital.
My husband, who brought him to the hospital at breakneck speed was also a terminal cancer patient. He lived for only 4 months after Father died. Then my brother's eldest son, 25 years old died 1 month after, of colon cancer. After the 3 deaths of our loved ones in a row, Mother succumbed too. That was 10 years ago!
I don't know how I lived my life to be what I am today. But what I know is, God is always watching us, helping us, loving us. Listen to His voice, to your friends, and to yourself. Everything will be in the right place, your heart will tell. God Bless you and your mother, and the whole family. Be strong, we're here for you!
AEvans, I too wish I could say something to ease this pain.. Alas, I am speechless.. Your strength and love comes across in your words and I can only hope to have someone who loves me this much in my final days..
Lita C. Malicdem: Your words have given me even more strength and courage to let her know I am o.k. with letting go. Although I do not wish to lose her for I will not here her laugh, but in my mind and in my heart I will see her smile. Thank you for giving me more courage to battle this storm.
stephensaldana: You will have someone who loves you just as much in your final days, just have faith and it will happen. If your parents are still with you, please love them, embrace them and cherish the moments never taking life for granted.
i know how hard it is and I feel so deeply for you.Going through it recently has it close to my heart.
drcrischasse: Thank you and yes you have gone through it recently. If I am right I believe it was in April when you lost your mother. My heart also goes out to you too.
Your hub was very emotional and I was touched.
vrbmft Level 4 Commenter 21 months ago
Hello AE
Admire your Mom's courage and YOUR courage. I am happy you have her at home. You can do more for her and yourself with her at home than any place else.
I am not a doctor, but, and you can check with hospice, I would suggest feeding her and giving her water only when she requests. I do not know. I am not there, but sometimes when ""we" are dying, the intake of food and water is very unpleasant. When I said to the hospice nurse when my wife was dying, "but she will get dehydrated." And the hospice nurse said, "That is what happens when we die." It was a little sobering, but I stopped force feeding her and obviously gave her anything she asked for. Kept hoping she might ask for her favorite martini, but she didn't!
Listen carefully to the people she might converse with that you are not able to see. It's an awesome experience to be with someone who has one foot here and one foot over there.
In our family, we always ask the dying person how they will show themselves to us after they die, and everyone tells us something so unexpected and you know, it happens just as they say it will.
My Dad told us his favorite color (sky blue pink) and I can tell you a zillion stories about sky blue pink after he died. He also told us he would send us silver stars and I can tell you a zillion stories of silver stars showing up at just the right time to remind me that he is still here with me. My mom said she would show herself to us in little white butterflies. And they show up at important moments, even when they are not in season.
Two days before my wife died, she asked if I would do her a favor and I said, sure. "Will you get me a feather?" And I have posted a blog about that experience.
As sad and as gut wrenching and heart breaking as it is right now, also allow yourself to share in whatever way your mom will allow you to share in her transition. It's a rare glimpse into another part of eternity.
And I apologize if all this sounds, I don't know what it might sound like. But at times, people look at me really funny until they realize I am really serious.
I think I mentioned the book, "Final Gifts" a rare book written by two hospice nurses and they tell us not to think that Mom's chatter or apparent hallucinations are from medication. There is also another book you will really take comfort in. It is for women who have lost their mothers. It is called "Feathers Brush My Heart."
The scenes you describe of yourself bathing and caring for your mom are very very very very special. Something that our society has lost and that is very sad. We all deserve to be cared for the way you are caring for your Mom when our time comes.
Still praying for your mom and Uncle Clyde. And you and your family.
Take care
Vern