A Journal Of My Mother's Fight With Cancer Aug 12,2010
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Received a call last night August 11th, 2010 at 10:00 pm. Mom's X-Ray reflected bruising but nothing broken. Could barely keep my eyes open and took a lorazepam to rest. Woke up at 5:30 am , got the kids up and went downstairs to make coffee. Hubby was wonderful the coffee was already made.
6:00 am
Called Hospice mom had assistance to get up and go to the bathroom but they noted she was alert. Told them to tell her "I Love Her." Amanda who is the nurse told me to take a day for myself and do things for me. This is very hard to do but will certainly try. Made breakfast for the kids and decided this morning I would drive them to school.More focused today and have endless amount of things to do.
7:30 am
Loaded the kids and got them to school. Listened to Christian music to fill my spirit. The day is bright and it is supposed to be 105 degrees. Tootled around in the backyard, cleaned patio, table etc. Trying to make it a good day.
8:30 am
Called Hospice mom is comfortably resting. Sister is going down to see her this morning and give a report of how she is today. Nurses again asked that I do something for myself don't know what to do. Called in requesting additional time-off thank goodness they understand.
9:00am
Came upstairs and sat down at the computer typing this day. I am still in a fog but have a little more piece. It aches to write everyday, but it is for mom, for me, for us. I do not want to forget this time. I am getting ready to strip the sheets on her bed and clean her room. Missing her dearly. I can feel her presence around us and that is a comfort. Tomorrow morning I will visit her.
11:30 am
Spoke to my sister she was already at the facility. Said mom was resting but she look better. Unresponsive last night. But drinking and eating a little today. Our brother-in-law said when he was talking with her she would look at him and just stare off into space. She must have been tired. I am fidgety and stressed, appear to be withdrawn from everything and cannot deal with any noise. Feeling anxious about the circumstance.
1:30pm
Called Hospice asked if they could wake my mother, they were a little upset but I only wanted to hear her voice and tell her that I Love her. Found out we are supposed to meet with Doctor's tomorrow at 10:00 am to prepare to make decisions. Although I hold the medical POA all of us have to be on the same page. The pain is overwhelming since decisions have to be made and I never thought it would have to come to this already. I reflected when she was so excited about beating this thing and it made me cry. I remember looking back at her in November of 09 and it hurt that I could not find it in my heart to believe it. Her blues eyes gave so much hope, she was fighting a battle and I was not supportive from the beginning. It hurts that I could have been stronger and not so selfish. Painstakingly we went to appointments everyday but I did hold hope in the palm of my hand as the days progressed. I have to get it together and be cheerful, family is getting ready to come home. Took shower early in the morning but my muscles ache from all of the stress. I am continuing to be prayerful and will not give up hope, blessings and miracles can happen.
3:00pm
Chaplain called but it was good news, asked if she could pray with my mother. I told her that would be wonderful. Kids came home, embraced them and had a cherished moment.
4:30pm
Made dinner Hospice doctor called mom is going to receive a blood transfusion and she is low on potassium. Preparing for cross-reference. Called and talked to her told her we loved her. The tears are not as strong this afternoon. Assisted with homework and had dinner together.
6:00pm
Homework finished. Have to go to bed early, I am getting up at 4:00 am to see mom. Would like to surprise her. Hubby is so wonderful he is assisting with everything. Neighbors are a great support also friends and family including all of the wonderful people on Hub-Pages.
- A Journal Of My Mother's Fight With Cancer Aug 13,2010
3:30 am Woke early to get a head start going to Hospice. Took a shower, let the dogs out and go read to go to Hospice. 4:30 am Prepared on for the long drive. I thought the location was appropriate...
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ama83: WIth all of you, I am certainly doing my best.
Love you Sister... know the Father travels with you... we continue to pray for peace.
Blessings and special hugs
"Quill": Love you too and thank you so much for the prayers.
AEvans, My prayers are with you... It is not easy when your parent has cancer... Those whispered words of love are powerful and sustaining to her as she remains in God's hands... May the Lord's continued Peace be with you! In HIS Love Peace & BLESSINGS!
Thank you for allowing us to walk with you. It takes great courage to share your pain. Please remember this: It is not a matter of letting go. It is a matter of changing your grip. You will in time learn to hold your mom in a different way. May God's peace and comfort surround you and yours for I know each of them are grieving in their own way as well.
Feel me around AE...I am there and sending relaxing vibes!
All I can do wishing your mum all the very best. God bless.
We are here for you as much as we can be, Julianna. One sentence you used hit me as I remember my mama's illness-you felt you weren't as supportive as you should have been late last year. Of course you weren't. Neither was I when my mother was ill-it was all so surreal.
It's all so hard to believe-be easier on your sweet soul.
I'm glad hospice told you to take some time for yourself.
Take good care of all-including you.
DeBorrah K. Ogans: Thank you so much and it isn't easy when they have cancer. You see what it does day by day. Thank you again for your prayers.
msburgman: I like the thought of changing the grip. I need to let go and let God. I did this today and will share it on the journal for today. Thank you so much for the kind words.
words cocktail: I am feeling you and thank you for aiding me with getting peace.
Hello, hello: Your words just like everyone is priceless. I will hold those close to my heart.
lorlie6: Those words are etched deep within me and I have to find a way, to release the hold. I only pray to have my mother back and I thank you so much for sharing your story too.
Great that you are aware of your needs too. A difficult time...
keep the faith Aevans. I really do hope your mom gets well soon and just hang in there. Things will change for good.
dallas93444: Thank you. And thank you for noticing the awareness.
jayb23: I am praying and thank you for your prayers.
I hope you can take it a day at a time and know that the Lord is by your side. Nothing will really make this easier but your faith and to know that many people love you and care. My prayers are with you.
Been on vacation and had no computer to keep up with your journey. I almost hesitate to leave a comment, hoping that you will check out comments next week or something, but then I remind myself that every comment provides support for you. Again, thank you for sharing your journey. I keep marking useful because I think many of us do not know this journey and would prefer not to even take it and I think it is important for us to take it. These are our loved ones, our mother, in your case. It is precious precious precious. Continuing to pray for all of you.
Vern
Thank you for sharing. I had a similar situation in 2011. Its been an year since. This hub is very reassuring and inspiring. Voted up and beautiful.
jeyaramd: Everytime someone read her journey, I have to read it and reflect. It brings tears to my eyes like it was yesterday. I miss her so much, words cannot express that emotion. I hope you share your story too. You are not alone through any of it, I am with you too.
Thank you so much for your kind comment. I know that it takes a lot to open yourself to your emotions. When I wrote my mother's speech at her funeral. I felt so vulnerable. Its beautiful to have loved so much; but its so hard thinking about missing her. I haven't built enough of the emotional strength to write about her on HP. I hope to so. Thank you so much for your comment. I feel so much peace to know that someone shares this love. Thank you. You really touched me. Thank you for that. I was hesitant at first to respond; because I can relate how difficult it is to go back. It takes a lot to be in that present moment. You are a beautiful soul. Thank you again. I really feel that HP has been a blessing in disguise. Our mothers are definitely watching out for us. Life is beautiful.
jeyaramd: Our mother's are with us. forever and always. I believe it was the entry dated August 11,2011 that made me realize mom wanted me to let her go, so she could rest. I have struggled with the loss of my mom for the last 17 months. There are moments when I cry uncontrollably and times when I reflect on the wonderful moments of my life when she was here.
You are in the beginning stages of your loss and it is going to be a journey of upsides and downs just remember you are never ever alone. We are not saying good-bye forever it is only temporary and we will see them again.
Loss is always hard. We're made to love dearly and then we have to let go. A mystery the way God made us. I remember being with my mom as she lay dying from cancer. We had special moments.
Don Simkovich: That is beautiful So you understand that feeling. Mom and I had special moments too. Good to see you.
The hardest part is knowing when to let go. I knew that my mom was ready. She was waiting for us to be able to move on. Its hard to say to someone that you love that its okay that you are leaving. I struggled with that thought until the last few minutes of her life. I finally said good bye. It was hard. I was lucky that my sibling understood what I was going through. She pushed me to say goodbye. It was hard to leave her room at the hospital. I told her it was okay for her to leave. But, all though, I was hurting. I had to put on a smile for her. I did not want her to know how much pain I was in. I cried when I was away from her. Unbearable. I could cry just thinking about her. She was such a beautiful soul. She was strong at heart. She kept saying she was okay until... I love her so much. Its been an year since she past this Jan. Thank you for your kind comments. God bless you.
jeyaramd: I had the same issue and my mother said my name for the last time. I cried like a baby when she took her last breath. You will always and forever love your mom. Remember it is okay to cry, it is a part of healing. You don't always have to be strong, God knows our hearts.
God Bless you too. :)
I can only imagine. These moments are never forgotten. I remember her strength in her last moments. I could still see the beauty; that is her strength. Its hard to bid farewell to an intrinsic part of yourself. Like you said. She will always be a part of you. Its hard when you reach each milestone in your life; that you don't have her around to give you a hug. Grieving has been difficult. And, as much as I do realize that its important to open yourself. Its hard to think as though it was a loss. I still feel that she is around. I think I always will. I miss her in terms of the tangible hugs and conversations. However, I do feel connected to her in an intangible spiritual sense. Her values and morals will always be a part of my being. It helps when I do talk about her. Sometimes, its hard with family, because you don't want them to feel the pain. I try to be encouraging and motivational to them. This conversation has been very therapeutic. I feel fortunate through it all that my mother was truly a wonderful person. I miss her as a mother, a friend and a wonderful and caring human being. Its entire package. Thats a huge gap in your life. Its difficult to mend those wounds. The love that she bestowed upon me and those around me will always put a smile on my face. She was a wonderful soul. I do hope to one day meet her again. Its just a long long wait. I was away during my studies and now it seems like an even longer wait. Thank you again for being so thoughtful. Faith and God helps immensely to move forward. It seems as if you need so much to just move forward.Thank you.
jeyaramd: Our mom's are right here. In our laughs, in ur mannerisms and when you look in the mirror, I bet you see her too. You will meet her again, we are the next in-line. They are not with us in this space and time, but they are there waiting for us to come home again with them one day. Just take one day at a time. That is what I do.
ama83 21 months ago
Hang in there, AEvans :)