A Journal Of My Mother's Fight With Cancer Aug. 16,2010

Today I felt like I was in a bubble. Today will determine which direction mom will go. My heart is pounding and I can only pray that after the 3 pints of blood and saline she will come out of the state of resting constantly and will be alert. I thought I would go up today, but decided to stay at home allowing my sister's to be at her side. She did not eat today for anyone and that was a little upsetting. She did however intake minimal fluids. I called and spoke to Lorraine and she currently has IVs in her. They had to place a smaller needle in her vein because she was a little dehydrated and they have to be extra cautious since she is so frail.

Today was a long day and it isn't even over. I don't know if I should be depressed or happy. I had a feeling this was going to happen. My husband said I even sound depressed. I have also learned not to forgive those who have harmed you so easily. Forgiveness is given because as a Christian we are supposed to do that, but we should not ever allow anyone to tread upon us at a time, when we are ourselves are under stress. The tears I cried today, was not for my mother but from pain that was endured and given by a inhumane human being, who needs to learn how to care about other people's feelings and emotions. You come to realize who real friends are and embrace the ones that are closest to you. Our focus is mom and it does not matter what others torment or do to you. With God you can withstand anything. The people that we surround ourselves with are warm, generous thoughtful people who would give the shirt off there backs. Those are the people who you choose to call friends.

9:00 am

After getting through the stress of the morning and feeling like I was walking on the edge. I called Hospice. They were supposed to have brought the blood for the transfusion early in the morning. Theresa was so pleasant and began to make phone calls to see what was happening.

9:15 am

Theresa called and explained that due to mom's antibodies and after cross-typing they finally found a match. The nurse who was to administer the blood was in the North Valley and the units had not yet arrived. The blood would be delivered early in the afternoon. We chatted for a few minutes about God and our beliefs. I told her I felt deep within that mom will come out of this. Sometimes I believe it is called Hope. She said to hold it deep within my heart and miracles do happen.

10:30 am

Put the dogs out and sat with a friend. We were enjoying the dogs and laughed about there demeanor's and whimsical ways. Our male Cocker has a habit of chasing gecko's up the wall so it felt good to laugh.

11:30 am

Had to handle some of mom's business. Calls were endless and a migraine was beginning to set in. Kept losing focus of what I was doing, it could be because I am anxious.

12:30pm

Organized and prioritized. At least I had plenty of sleep. Thank God for rest. Still feel tired from the worries of mom. But deep in my heart, I know it will be o.k.

1:30pm

Feeling like I am in a bubble, the blood arrived but the transfusion has not yet began. It is all in God's hands now. We can only wait. Sister was concerned too.

2:30pm

Called again, finally the IV poles were in placed and they were prepping her for the IVs. I pray the outcome is good, but only God knows. It will take 8-10 hours so around midnight, it should be complete.

3:30 pm

We had chicken fajitas which were tasty. But I find myself constantly pacing. I feel guilty because I did not go up today. But felt that my sister's should spend quality time with her.

4:30pm

All is going good so far. I will definitely be up there early in the am to see how she is doing. I am praying for the best and so are so many others, for which I am truly grateful for.

Tonight will be another early night. I have to get up bright and early to see mom. I am only thinking good thoughts and pray it will rain. I believe it may have been 108 today and it is humid as the dickens.