A Journal Of My Mother's Fight With Cancer August 11,2010

1:00 AM July 11,2010

I heard a thud. My mother had slid to the floor and was laying on her side. I checked her for bumps, bruises, or to see if anything was fractured or broken. It took 20 minutes for me to get her up, because she did not feel like coming up off of the floor. She has not drank but one Ensure and the pills she was supposed to take yesterday are still laying on the table. I tried to give her fluids but she only takes little sips. I can see that she is in tremendous pain and administered .25 of Oxycontin Ir (liquid form) she appears to relax more. Fearful that she may try to crawl out of bed again, I laid down next to her and cradled while she slept. Tucking her hand in mine I could not fall asleep. Thank God she was still breathing.

2:30 AM

Mom wanted to go to the bathroom, carefully I had gotten her on her feet , her body so frail it took us 5 minutes to get into the bathroom. She was having problems with undressing herself so painstakingly with tears in my eyes I assisted her. I stood with lack of sleep and eyes half open as mom finally went to the bathroom. Assisting her with raising herself up, I gently wiped her and gathered her pajama bottoms. Unsteady on her feet we took two steps to the sink so she could wash her hands. I dried them for her and asked her to take to steps away from the sink and turn. Her back was so weak she slowly sank to the ground. Exhausted I knew I had to do something, so I laid next to her for a few minutes and asked her if she was ready to get up. Her voice very tiny she said, " Julianna let me go, please let me go." I began to cry and did not know if it was the Oxycontin or her asking me to let her go. "Mom", I said gently. " I love you but you are so weak." Trying to avoid what she was asking. I am not ready to let her go.

3:00 am

Placing mom back into bed and tucking her in, I laid next to her and held her hand. I know my husband will understand that she cannot be left alone. She believes that she can still function. I listened for her breath and decided to place the oxygen around her face. Mom was looking at me. "Mom," I asked. " Would you like anything to drink?" quietly she replied, "no." Eyes burning I had not been able to sleep and was exhausted. Mom loves the dogs so we have placed them in the corner of her room and they are kenneled. Daisy cuddled up next to grandma she is the only one who knows how to behave. Holding her hand I closed my eyes, looking at the clock it was 3:45am. She was finally resting.

4:45 am

Finally trying to get some rest the dogs decided that it was time to wake-up. Grumpy as a bear and checking on mom, I crawled out of bed and let them out and down the stairs. Lacking sleep I made a pot of coffee because I knew I could not go to sleep.

5:30 am

Had to get the kids up. Kids were not happy but I am not happy either, I am exhausted.

6:30 am

Called Hospice and began to cry talked to Mary and told her mom had a rough night. She said I needed to relax and her team would be out this morning. My mind is running a million miles a minute I cannot relax. Sat outside and had two cups of coffee. Ran upstairs to make certain the troops were ready and mom was o.k. " Mom", I asked. " "Would you like something to drink or eat?" "No Julianna", she replied.

7:00 am

With the house empty except for mom, I and the dogs I began to cry. Deciding to clean-up the dog mess I tried to function. I do not have any strength left in my body.

8:30 am

Hospice called CNA coming out at 11:30 .

8:45 am

Hospice called again RN on her way, I do not have time to do anything but sit and wait. I am now in overdrive. Mom is still sound asleep.

9:15 am

X-ray tech called said, he would be here between 1-2pm. After her slip they need to check her right hip. Mom is complaining of the pain.

9:45 am

Cindy came and assessed mom. Explained to her that mom refused a suppository from me. She proceeded to place two in her and removed large bowel. Mom started to cry. I told her it was o.k. just squeeze my hand. She fell asleep. Nurse left at Apr. 10:30 am. Ask again if she would like fluids still she refused.

10:35 am

Recieved call that CNA was on her way, to bathe mom. Thank goodness I am on my last leg. She was a little early but it gave me time to sweep and do what I had to do. Checked on mom still resting.

11:00 am

Rene arrived in great spirits. She went upstairs and proceeded to bathe and clean mom. Noticed the dark lesions under mom's breast but didn't say anything. Tried to make mom feel comfortable because I was in there. Rene was wonderful! Mom felt great and she left at Apr. 11:30 am

12:00

Social services arrived from Hospice had to fill-out more paperwork. Head feels like it is in a bubble and tears began to flow. It hurts to see mom this way. She was so cordial and all is in place.

1:00 pm

Received call from labs they are going to take mom's blood. I demanded this because I realize that her platelets are low and she needs potassium. Arrival time Apr. 3:00 pm. Had to figure out what was for dinner and was finally able to take a shower. Mom received Oxycontin .25 because of pain. How don't know how many times I have been up and down the stairs but to many to count. Had to unload the dishwasher and wipe down the floors. Gave mom a little bit of Ensure through a straw. Could see her ribs and began to cry. She needs to put more wait on her bones. I began to pray.

2:00pm

X-Ray tech arrived and carried machine up the steps. Mom kept saying she was in pain. Her eyes look a little hazy and a little Matty. I cleaned them and dried them. She had a tear in her eye. "Mom", I said. "It is going to be o.k." She just looked at me and smiled.

2:30pm

X-ray tech is finished, had to sign paperwork and was contacted by the transport company that they would pick up mom between 4-5pm. Head pounding, world spiraling , heart beating and eyes swelling with tears they were going to move her back to Short-term Hospice for pain management.

3:00 pm

kids arrived tried to be strong and put a happy face on. Asking about grandma I told them to check on her upstairs. Found kids caressing mom's cheek. Walked briskly to the bedroom and began to cry. Mom drank a little more and was becoming irritated with me because I kept checking on her.

4:10 pm

Transport arrived. Nice young men, mom said they reminded her of her older grand-kids. They lifted her 99lb frame and carried her down in a sheet onto the Gurney. Gave her a kiss on the check and said, " I love you." as they closed the door. Came into house and had a meltdown. Had to regain my composure and begin dinner.

5:00pm

Could barely eat. Helped kids with homework and brought dogs in early. I am drained, exhausted and tired.

5:45pm

Called Hospice they were getting settled and administering meds. Brother-in-law called said she looked even more tired, then when they had seen her 4 days ago. Began to cry.

6:00pm

Began to publish day of my journal. Will complete, spend time with family and go to bed early.