A Journal Of My Mother's Fight With Cancer August 15th, 2010

 This morning we had breakfast together as a family. I jumped in the shower , preparing for the morning. We missed church today, because the decision was to go to the facility and see mom. 12 hours worth of sleep had rejuvenated me and my eyes were clear. I admit I tossed and turned a little, but the man upstairs allowed me to rest last night. So many things going off in my head this morning I did not know if I was coming or going. Called the sister beneath me and she decided to go and see her too. Our youngest sister was also on her way. The third sister is way to much drama for her age and her deep-rooted issues I can no longer deal with. She is now in the hospital with a blood clot in her right leg. If only she would choose to get help instead of putting a needle in her arm, then she would not have these issues. All of us are exhausted by her lifestyle and can no longer deal with what she is doing to herself. She will not accept help, so there is not much we can do but pray. Raising her daughter has been a blessing and my niece has done a complete 360 since she has been with us. I am still going on my own but have found renewed strength since this journey has began. Today was a good day although it was 112 degrees, I began to feel better. Maybe I am beginning to accept this dreaded moment and embrace what is happening now. I hope my days stay this way, but God only knows what each new day brings.

9:00 am

Got on the rode to see mom. Noticed that vehicle was a little low on gas so pulled into a gas station to get fuel. The sun is already hot this time of morning and I cannot pump the gas fast enough.

9:30 am

Arrived at the facility and had a little tiff with my husband. But ended up back on track. I hate arguments. Focused on mom and went into facility. Walked into room and gave her a fresh pillow from home, a reminder that we were there for her. Carol is a wonderful nurse and one of the most compassionate people a person can meet. She met me in the hallway and told her that I decided not to go to church today. She smile and I went into the room. A cna was sitting there and I did not even ask her name, but she was not very pleasant. I was cordial and told her I would feed mom. They had a pureed plate on the table. Mom does not eat pureed food, so she left to get another plate. Told mom good morning and her yes opened and she smiled.

She still had color no jaundice, no edema, all clear. They had a fentynl patch on her and also gave her oxycotin. She was in another world and only wished to rest. She ate 9 bites of egg, a half a piece of bacon and drank a glass of water and a half cup of coffee. Not bad considering her eyes are closed.

9:45 am

Mom had defecated in her panties and started to cry. I told her it was o.k. , I rang the bell for assistance and Ms. Unpleasant arrived. She aided me with placing her on the commode and then appeared irritated because she had to assist. It took about 5 minutes and I asked mom if she was finished. She nodded with tears in her eyes, yes. The cna stood there and my sister was sitting in the corner. We looked at each other and it was like the young woman did not wish to wipe her bottom. I handed her the moist towelettes and told her that mom would not allow me to do this. She was to weak to do it herself therefore she was to clean her up. She placed her latex gloves on and proceeded to clean her with a little hesistance. Why is this young woman in this field?

10:00 am

Assisted the cna with placing mom in bed. I noticed there was bowel on the chux and told her that we would have to change it. She looked at me again and then I commanded her to replace it. I am not normally like this, but it is irritating when someone is treated in this manner. Positioned mom into the upright position and gave her more water. She sat there dozing in and out and I just watched her peacefully. My sister and I went outside to chat and I heard the phone ring. I answered it and it was our troubled sister. She asked to speak to mom so she could tell her she was in the hospital with a clot in her leg. I told her mom was resting and she would get the message. Mom opened her eyes and I told a big talltale, I said that our sister said she loved her and that she would call her later. I was not telling mom that she was in the hospital while mom laid there fighting for her own life. I hope that isn't cruel and I hope what I did was not wrong, but it was to protect mom from the situation. I am still irritated because she has never came to see her since all of this has began.

11:00 am

Mom's friends came to visit and they encouraged her to finish taking her pills. They are blessings and a bundle of fun. Debbie wept and I told her it would be fine. Mom would improve, I wonder if that is my faith? Looking over at mom I knew she was listening. Mom just smiled. Went to the ladies room and flowers had arrived. My sister recieved them. She asked mom who is Joyzie? Mom replied , "she is one of God's Angels?" My sister's eyes lit up and she asked me if I knew Joyzie, I said yes she is one of the writer's on Hubpages and she is a blessing to many. Mom never new about GhostWhisperer 77 but what she does know is she is an angel. She sees things others cannot see.

11:30 am

SIster's remained and I left , knowing I had responsibilites on the homefront. I don't know what the temp is, but it is truly hot as the dickens. The care feels like an oven, but it sure is sunny.

12:30pm

Arrived home looking forward to a better afternoon. Dogs were a little anxious so had to piddle around with them. House was quiet and there was Peace. I am trying to gather my thoughts at the moment, because I cannot understand the overhelming peace that has been brought upon me.

1:30pm

Called Hospice mom was doing well just resting and my sister's were still there. Made multiple phone calls to family members and friends. Feeling a little anxious, I just breathed.

2:30pm

Decided to organize mom's belongings in her room. Of course they are not going anywhere, they are just being organized. Looked through all of the arm bracelets, paperwork, and cried.

3:30pm

Called again mom is resting and peaceful. They did the blood draw today, to cross-type for her blood transfusions tomorrow. I believed they did them earlier, boy was I wrong. I gave permission over the phone for them to do it.

4:30pm

Have a sense of euphoria and relief somewhere deep within I feel all will be o.k. I do not know what the weeks will bring but a sense of peace is what I feel.

As I sit and write this who knows what will come, but my strength is building everyday. There is so much going on, that words cannot express what I am feeling right now, but I am thankful for a good day.